Ticket Tape

(RECORDING STARTS)

Christopher: Please, sit down.

Chris: I’m sorry this was such late notice.

Christopher: No, that’s okay. We said any time, day or night.

Chris: Right…it’s just they’re releasing it. They’re actually releasing it.

Christopher: (sighs) Is this about the Snyder cut again?

Chris: No, it’s not that. Don’t get me wrong, I could talk about that for hours. Those producers cut a truly bad movie, then DC realised they could use that mistake to parley a relaunch of their entire brand whilst legitimately competing with Marvel’s deal with Disney Plus.

Christopher: I thought we weren’t here to talk about that.

Chris: We’re not, I’m just saying DC have clearly woken up after what they achieved with Joker and now they’re having their cake and eating it. While, you know, not really talking about Harley Quinn.

Christopher: Harley Quinn?

Chris: Never mind. I don’t want to talk about DC. If I get onto DC, then I’ll have to talk about Marvel and how they’re going to ruin the MCU just by continuing to play the odds. They could have taken a step back with Endgame. It was a solid ending. But, no, now it’s TV tie ins and cartoons and it won’t last. It can’t last. None of this can last. It’s going to reach a point where comic book movies become a joke. Like old swashbuckling movies or westerns. Except the companies are bigger now., so they can throw as much money as they like at any old dead horse and make sure their media outlets cover all the fan anger. That way, all of fandom will just become a sport, whilst they merrily release terrible movie after terrible movie.

Christopher: Maybe we should try something breathing exercises?

Chris: I’m a comic book fan, I shouldn’t have to feel like this. I cheered when Nick Fury first appeared at the end of Iron Man.

Christopher: I thought you left the cinema before the credits finished and someone had to tell you about The Avengers Initiative around a week later?

Chris, Well, yes, but I cheered then and I cheered the first time they showed Thanos, when no one else in the cinema knew who he was. I should be over the moon with every movie they release, but I can hear them scraping the bottom of the barrel. I mean, Morbius, really? Or look at those flaming Transformers movies. One fun blockbuster led to 3 of the worst movies I have ever seen. I don’t bother with the next one and then the studio releases this retro style Bumblebee movie and market it as the Transformers movie we’ve always wanted. So, why make the bad movies when they knew what we wanted?!

Christopher: Could you get down off the coffee table?

Chris: Sorry, it’s just I like movies. I really do. I used to like going to the cinema.

Christopher: Before the lockdown, you mean?

Chris: Sure, I guess. Although I’d stopped going so often before all that started. I’d realised I was paying money to sit in a room where total strangers were going to annoy me. People don’t even try to hide their phones or whisper now. They just talk through a movie they paid to see. When we went to see 1917 and these two guys carried in a McDonalds meal each and ate through the whole movie, arguing over dips. How’s that meant to make you feel when you get all these directors saying they made their films to be seen on the big screen. Have they been to a multiplex recently?

Christopher: You’re on the coffee table again.

Chris: Right. Sorry. It’s just I used to love the cinema and I still want to love it. But people were ruining it long before I had to trust they’d keep a mask on and that they’d stay away if they were feeling any suspicious symptoms.

Christopher: Maybe it’d help if we got to why you’re here.

Chris: Oh, it’s Tenet.

Christopher: The new Christopher Nolan movie? I hear it’s supposed to be great.

Chris: Of course it’s going to be great. It’s Christopher Nolan. His worst movie is probably The Dark Knight Rises. It’s not like he ever made a Jack or a Love Guru.

Christopher: So, is that your problem then? Too many successful Christophers?

Chris: No, it’s not that. I really want to see Tenet. I love Nolan’s style. I love the stories he tells. I love his sense of set pieces and his casting. Granted, he can be a bit of a snob when it comes to cinemas and he wouldn’t admit his Batman movies were comic book films, but he’s put some amazing movies out into the world. The problem is I don’t trust people. I know the cinemas are doing the best they can and I know that they’re coping well with these retro releases they’ve been running. It’s just this movie is going to be massive. They’re marketing it as the movie that’ll save cinema. People are going to flock to this thing like it’s the sermon on the mount. That many people, in all those enclosed spaces. That many people, who could’ve easily just rushed back from a locked down holiday location or some overcrowded beach. You just know it isn’t going to work. Not all the time. Not in every cinema. Not for everyone. Just look at how they’re releasing it. They changed the dates twice in July. Then they pulled indefinitely. Then they set the date for late August about a week later. So, I guess, indefinitely means a month and a week now.

Christopher: Please stop twisting that cushion, you’re going to rip it.

Chris: Sorry.

Christopher: Listen, if you don’t feel safe, then don’t go.

Chris: Do you have any idea how hard it’s going to be to dodge spoilers for something like Tenet?

Christopher: You know, I believe they spell it in all caps, by the way.

Chris: How’d you mean?

Christopher: TENET.

Chris: It’s my blog.

Christopher: Fair enough.

Chris: I just don’t know what I’m meant to do here. I love movies. The problem is it’s getting harder and harder to love the experience of going to the movies. Nine out of ten of them are comic book movies now and the rest are either some other franchise clinging on by the skin of its teeth or a reboot of an old TV show or a line of toys or even just a popular movie from thirty years ago. All of that makes Tenet feel important because it looks original, even if the trailers do have a hint of James Bond vs the Sands of Time about them. But if I try to wait for a home release there’s no way I’ll avoid the spoilers.

Christopher: What about The Mandalorian?

Chris: I’m sorry?

Christopher: You didn’t manage to dodge the millions of photos of Baby Yoda that appeared online after the first episode aired in the States on Disney Plus, but that didn’t stop you loving the show months later.

Chris: ….no. No, I guess you’re right.

Christopher: There you go then, what’s the problem?

Chris: I just…I just don’t see why they had to release it when not everyone is going to be safe to see it and some people are going to spoil it for the rest of us. Nolan is creating a tidal wave of spoilers that’s going to be fuelled by self righteous fandom and people saying masks are conspiracy. It’s going to be a complete car crash online.

Christopher: Look, it’s a business, Chris. You like movies, your problem isn’t with the movies, it’s with the movie business. With studios who will do anything to make more money or to make their money back for a blockbuster like Tenet.. Look at Martin Scorcese, who’s only working with Apple now. Or HBO, their streaming service is basically going to have a monopoly on Warner Brothers releases one day soon. Or there’s Disney looking to buy AMC cinemas in America. Or Marvel putting half an hour of extra footage into the IMAX release of Black Widow. That’s what you don’t like.

Chris: True.

Christopher: Those companies are putting their money into sequels and nostalgia reboots and expanded universes because it’s a safe bet. It doesn’t mean there aren’t interesting movies out here. You just need to dig a little deeper to find the ones you’re in the mood for right now and you have to remember that spoilers are far less dangerous to your health than a global pandemic, if you really are concerned.

Chris: Right.

Christopher: Everything is running at high alert this year and you live a fairly comfortable life most of the time. I think it’s fair to say this is just your first encounter with a pandemic related road block that affects how you like to relax and it’s triggering a bigger reaction than it deserves because you’ve seen the news. You’ve seen the worst that can happen to people and maybe you feel a little strange that it hasn’t happened to you yet. It’s like hearing about a power cut and then seeing your lightbulb flicker.

Chris: Sure, that makes sense.

Christopher: So, do you feel better now? Are you going to stop shouting whenever you see a Tenet trailer?

Chris: I think so.

Christopher: Good. Now about we watch some of the new DC trailers and you can tell me why you don’t care about the JSA appearing in a Black Adam movie?

Chris: Oh, okay then.

(RECORDING STOPS)