Mirror Mirror 2 : Man's Best Friend
Here at The Blank Page, we like to try and keep our offerings to a fairly high standard. Sadly, this is yet another week which has found your erstwhile blogger stuck in the middle of some self-inflicted existential crisis. He’s got a lot on his mind at the moment, so he’s locked himself in the bathroom with a bottle of a rum, a bread and butter pudding and a pile of old Hellblazer comics. We figured it’s probably best to leave him there until he drinks himself out cold. Don’t worry, it won’t take long. He’s not getting any younger.
So, in an attempt to keep this blog fairly upbeat, we’ve yet again managed to make contact with another Christopher Long out there in The Multiverse and asked him to answer a few questions for you.
Without further ado, here’s our brief chat with the very busy Christopher Long of Universe 443 H T X Beta:
Long Words: Thank you for taking some time out of your busy schedule to do this. We really appreciate it.
Christopher Long: It’s no problem. I’m more than happy to help. I’m a good boy.
LW: Okay. Maybe, to begin with, you could tell us a little bit about yourself.
CL: Sure, okay. I’m 37 years old, in human years.
LW: In human years?
CL: I should explain, I’m more of a dog than a cat person.
LW: Ah, so you have pets.
CL: Pets? I’m sorry, that’s not a word we have over here.
LW: You said you’re more of a dog person than a cat person. I take it that means you keep a dog, then, as a pet.
CL: I serve my dog. Loyally, might I add. I take a great deal of pride in my role as his server. I fetch. I keep vacuum cleaners at bay. I mark territory on winter nights or when he is busy.
LW: You…you serve your dog as in…?
CL: As one should for their lord and master. I show obedience to his pack. I care for him and his many lovers. I care for his pups and protect them from storms. I hunt their food. I brush his coat and keep it free from the blight that is the flea. I worm him with my bare hands. Sometimes, if I’m good, they take me on walks with them.
LW: …right. That sounds nice.
CL: You don’t understand. I’m very lucky. I’m not just taken to one of the human parks or let out in the garden. No, they let me walk outside on a leash, in the street. We around the estate and I’m allowed to sniff and greet the other humans I see.
LW: You don’t talk to them…the other humans, I mean.
CL: Oh no. No, no, no. That’s prohibited. Humans can get riled up by talking to each other. Even this feels a little wrong. If we speak to each other, we can end up with notions. We can say the dangerous words.
LW: The dangerous words?
CL: (whispering) Bad dog. Some people have had their tongues removed and muzzles stitched to their faces for saying those words.
LW: I see. The dogs are doing pretty well then, so say they haven't got thumbs. Have your dogs got thumbs?
CL: A lot of my friends have been put down over the years for speaking or demanding a master plays dead, but they weren’t loyal. They were bad servers. They tried to run. They forgot who their masters were. They raised the rolled newspaper of revolution and forgot their place. They tried to bite the pups.
LW: Out of interest, do the cat people get it any easier?
CL: I don’t like to talk about those heathens. Sleeping every hour of the day. Eating mice and birds. Fornicating in the street. Yowling in the middle of the night and fighting anything that dares to cross their territory.
LW: I take it we’re talking about the cats?
CL: And their people.
LW: Okay. I have to say, it certainly sounds like you lead a different life in your universe.
CL: Don’t you have animals to serve where you are?
LW: Not serve, exactly. Some people can get a little obsessive with their pets, but they’re just…well, they’re lonely, I suppose. That said, people do still have to pick up after their dogs. Or they’re supposed to, anyway.
CL: There’s that word again. Pets.
LW: It’s what we call our animals. The ones we let into our homes. They’re companions. We take them for walks, feed them, look after them.
CL: That just sounds deeply degrading.
LW: A lot of people seem to like it.
CL: I mean for your animals. They are kind masters. They understand our true nature. They keep us safe.
LW: This is probably a redundant question, but I don’t suppose you write?
CL: It is a forbidden thing!
CL: No human shall write. No human shall read.
LW: Got it.
CL: No human shall pass the age of twenty without their genitals being removed.
CL: They only make us agitated.
LW: I mean, they can be distracting, but…
CL: Not that those layabout cat people seem to care. The male ones spray wherever they like and the things they get up to the street.
LW: This really does sound like a different world.
CL: It’s not a bad life. Those poor hamster people have to live in cages.
LW: A very different world.
CL: It’s the only home I’ve ever known and I’m happy. I’ve got my own bowl, a couple of toys and a bed. It’s all I need.
LW: Good for you.
CL: Some people try to tell us that things weren’t always this way, but they’re blasphemers and they shall be hunted down.
LW: Right. Well, you don’t want…blasphemers hanging about. Did they happen to mention how the animals in your universe managed to take over, by the way? Just, you know, for future reference.
CL: Their smell is not the true smell. They put on scents and walk on only two legs.
LW: Look, we’re getting close to the deadline, I should be going. Thanks again for taking the time to...
CL: But we've barely spoken about me. I thought you wanted to know about me. I’m a show human. I train three times a week. We attend shows. I do assault courses and jumps as fast as I can, with poise and control.
LW: That is very different to our Christopher. He rarely ever runs.
CL: Not even for treats?
LW: I guess he has barged to get to stalls at comic book conventions.
CL: I’ve won awards. I was allowed to keep my genitals well into my late thirties.
CL: I bred many children with some fine females.
LW: And that’s what you do for fun?
CL: Until that fateful trip to the doctors, certainly. I was told we were going to the park.
LW: How about now? Is it just serving your family and the...the jumping?
CL: Well, there’s always Game of Thrones. We’re not savages.
LW: Wow, there really is no stopping that George R. R. Martin, is there?
CL: My masters are barking for me. I better go before they start growling.
LW: Right…yep, have fun.
We’d like to thank that particular parallel Christopher for taking the time to talk to us. We’d also like to thank for him offering to scratch our bellies and take us for a long walk once the rain stopped in case we needed the toilet. We guess it’s the thought that counts.
Remember, you can post your comments below and reviews of our own Christopher’s books on Amazon, Goodreads or any blog or forum are always welcome.
Have a good weekend, everyone and remember to be kind to your pets. You never know what they’re planning.